Luke Gedeon

Image by Martin Ujlaki via Flickr

It is that time of month again, and Robert Hruzek says that this month we are going to learn a lot from stress. The problem is that I have never learned anything from stress. I have learned a few things about stress, but it is hard to learn anything from something you have never really felt.

No Stress

I have thought a few times that what I was experiencing was stress then I would read about what real stress is like, and realize that things are not that bad. I have always had friends and family that would not let me go hungry or homeless. I, my family, and friends have never been (to my knowledge) in danger of loss of life, with the exception of a few that are getting up there in years. For an older person to be closer to heaven is not a stressful thing because in most cases they are quite ready, and because there is not much I can do about it, there is no reason to stress. In all, I have had an unusually stress-free and tragedy free life.

Close calls

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The closest I have ever gotten to stress were those times when I committed to doing something and grossly underestimated how much time I needed to complete them to my satisfaction. I did this frequently in college. I would sign up for a full-time load of classes and commit to work full-time. Everything went fine until the week that all the papers were due on the same day as mid-term or final exams. I am still amazed that five different professors could so perfectly choreograph the semester to make things so difficult. And on top of that, of course I had a major dead-line at work right in the middle of that. But, a few days later it would be all over and whether the projects were completed to my satisfaction or not they were out of my hands.

I got even closer, the first half of this year. At the start of the year, I committed to building a small website for Amcraft that just kept growing. It is still growing now but at a slower pace. At the same time I started volunteering at CCC, and agreed to help a few people start their own businesses and to doing their websites. My site and a few family members sites also needed attention. In March, all of this started piling up. Then in April, I thought I was about to get a break from the Amcraft website, so I jumped at the opportunity to become Executive Director of CCC. A few weeks later Amcraft decided they wanted to do a major overhaul. I am pretty sure there were a few other things going on then but I have forgotten what.

The pressure started to build, but then something happened.

Image by MarkyBon via Flickr

The stress that had been building for almost a year finally reached the point where it just could not get any higher and just gave up. More specifically, the people who had been waiting on me gave up. Admittedly that is not the ideal solution, but the fact of the matter is that I simply could not do all that I had committed to do and I could not even find anyone to delegate to. Now, all the projects are still there and need to be done, but since I have missed most the deadlines, the stress is gone.

Actually, in each situation, we had a discussion about how much I really could do and how long it would take. I adjusted expectations. I wish I could say I did this intentionally but honestly it just happened. I think the reason that I was not able to have these conversations early is that for about 11 months straight, I was adding a new commitment each week. At that pace I really had no idea how long it would take me to catch up. Now that I think about it, the turning point was the week I was sick. Since I did not talk to anyone that week I did not get my new-project-of-the-week that week and the trend was broken. That week my brain had a chance to catch-up while my body slept.

Still no stress

The funny thing is that even with several years of work laid out before me, I never really got stressed. Part of this is that I am a hopeless optimist. I try hard to see the gloomy side so I can sympathize with those who live there. Pun intended, but I really do like people and want to help them so I try not to be too cheery and scare them away. For example, there are some really good things about the stock market crashing. Most people don’t want to hear that, but knowing that good things come out of bad situations keeps me from really feeling the stress I am in the middle of.

Nothing to lose

Image by cobalt123 via Flickr

I think the biggest reason for me not experiencing real stress, though, is that I have nothing to lose. People with money have to work hard to keep it. People with stuff have to protect and care for it. People with a great reputation have to work to keep it spotless. What I value, I cannot lose. I value relationships. Relationships are never lost. They can, with a bit of effort, be broken, but they are not just lost. A true friend is a friend forever even after years apart. For the past ten years I hae been friends with my boss, teachers, and clients. This is a real game changer.

Beyond relationships I have nothing of value. I have what I consider an expensive computer that I spent extra on because I needed something that would last a while and stay out of my way letting me get things done. But even my computer, I am frequently reminded, is quite cheep compared to most people’s technology budget for a single year. If our house burned down tonight and the family made it out, we would be losing almost nothing. Same goes for our van, bank account, etc.

Our family lives quite comfortably, but we have been very careful not to keep “stuff” or cash. They just cause stress and can be put to much better use in other peoples hands. Our goal is to only keep the tools we need to accomplish our goals, and deal with just-in-case when it actually happens. There are too many possibilities to prepare for all of them. Don’t get me wrong there are some just-in-case events you can count on, I just mean that I do not store a tux in my closet, just in case I am the same size two years from now when I need it.

Next year

Hey, the Jewish year is just now getting started, so call this my Jewish New Year’s resolution. (I don’t know if they have this particular tradition but lets just pretend.) So in the coming year, I am going to work hard to set realistic expectations when I commit to something. In some cases, that might mean doubling my best estimate and adding three years. I am also going to try my best to find some people to delegate things to. Here is the challenge, the things I really care about and am committing to often do not pay that much. So what I have to find are people that have similar passions, low income requirements, and also have extra time on their hands. So if you know anyone who wants to help Chinese citizens who are promoting democracy and the rule of law in China please let me know. I have a ton of work to send their way.

Lessons

Image via Wikipedia

This post wandered all over the place, so here is a summary. These are things I have learned, not from real stress, but at least from a few close calls.

Things that increase stress

• stuff
• over-commitment
• impatience and unreasonable expectations (a deadly combo)

Things that reduce stress

• delegating
• relationships
• perspective

Remember things are never as bad as they seem. Good things come out of bad situations. If it doesn’t kill you, it is no big deal, and it will make you stronger. If it does kill you, you won’t have to worry about it anymore.